Dealing with Betrayal

Psalms 35

“False witnesses did rise up; they laid to my charge things that I knew not. They rewarded me evil for good to the spoiling of my soul.” (v.11.12)

In this Psalm, David was focused on the theme of betrayal. He was subjected to false accusation and verbal attacks by those whom he had considered as brothers. There not many situations which can cut as deeply into our souls as betrayal. Trust is a what we offer to those who earn it from us. It is a bridge between two people that when frequently traveled, becomes more reliable and stable.

Forgiveness vs. Trust One of the big entanglements of sincere, moral people is their struggle with “forgiveness” when someone has broken trust with them. Much of this emotional tangle experienced by hurting people is due to misunderstanding what is meant by forgiveness. Forgiveness is about “not seeking to repay injury for injury”. When you forgive someone, you are saying that you will not seek to “repay injury” toward the one who committed the the unjust act against them. However trust is a totally different matter. You can forgive someone for their offense and yet still not trust them. When trust is broken by another, it is the responsibility of the one who broke the trust to earn the trust back. Forgiveness does not mean that trust is automatically restored.

Trust is always earned.

Imagine if we conducted a business in this way by paying ahead for job that was not completed as promised. We can forgive the worker for not doing his job right. But that does not mean we would be obligated to use this worker again. In fact, if a service fails in fulfilling what was promised, if trust is to be restored, then some form of compensation would have to be made. All successful business only thrive because of building trust with their clients. Forgiveness may take time.

Betrayal stirs the emotional pot where our focus is upon our deep injury. In fact, the more we trusted the one who betrayed our trust, the more deeply the pain we experience. What is even more difficult is that the closer the relationship, the more frequently we will experience repeated injury. Every situation which was shared with a betraying friend becomes tainted with doubts and anger. Anger is often first turned inward where we accuse our lack of judgment for “allowing ourselves to be injured”. This is a normal reaction from our brain, where our alarm reaction and protective instincts kick in, trying to “undo” the hurt we experienced. Our brains search for clues and signs that we must have ignored along the way. We find ourselves seeking ways to identify clues to avoid this painful experience again. This begins to stir the sense of powerlessness over the offenses, which lead to a “victim mindset”. We blame ourselves for allowing our trust to be broken. In the next phase, we shift the target of our anger back to the offender. Blame gets fueled by the hurt and gets expressed in projected anger. If the emotional turmoil exceeds our parameter of reason, our anger gushes to rage. Rage is when the overwhelming anger spreads wide beyond the target of our anger. This is the stage where often dishes or furniture gets destroyed. As reason seeps back into the mind, we begin to set up mental barriers for protection. Items that represent a shared memory gets separated, collected and removed from sight. If any object associated with a memory of the offender is not creatively destroyed, it will be boxed and cornered away from view. Time is then required to reframe a life going forward. Such times are not the best moments to make rash decisions involving the offender.

The goal at all times is to allow personal responsibility to be intact. We are each responsible for our actions. Trust is the foundation in friendship and in communities. Trust provides security, assure justice and fairness between people. Forgiveness does not dismiss responsibility. In fact, it is always aligned toward restoring responsibility. It is about holding ourselves and others accountable for for actions. Just because when someone broke our trust, it does not mean we must never trust them again. But if trust is important enough to the offender, they will obligate themselves to seek the means to earn that trust back. Whether or not the offender can meet this threshold for earning back our trust, we can still choose to not seek harm toward the offender. In time, a measure of trust may eventually be earned. Have a good day, my friends.